It's been one week since I had to say my final goodbye to my mom. It has been the hardest week of my life. I never imagined what this would feel like. Of course I never imagined it. Who goes around imagining horrible things like that?? But you know what I mean. I never knew it would feel like this. I read a few days ago that grief is one of those things that can't be described in any real defining terms. I did say that it felt a bit like my esophagus was being stretched, my stomach was being twisted up and my heart was being pulled out of my chest with a red hot vice. That's the closest I can get to explaining this feeling. If you looked at me right now, you'd never know what I was feeling really. I think I hide it well. I just push it down and try to hold it all in until I have time alone when I can just let go. The strange thing is, when I let it go, it doesn't seem to want to escape anymore. It's like all that grief just burrows down inside me and makes itself comfortable. I imagine that one day it will be like that Alien movie and it will be a monster clawing its way out of me.
So anyway, it's been a week. I am having a rough time and writing has always been an outlet for me so I thought I'd give this a try and maybe along the way it will help someone else who is going through something similar.
My family has always been very dynamic. That's just the way it is. My mom was always a little on the eccentric side of life. It was no secret that she suffered greatly from depression but she carried it well for the most part. There were big ups and downs as you almost always find with depression like hers. But she would always fight it back in the end. I guess in the very end, her depression wasn't the biggest of her problems. No, it was her own body fighting itself that became the problem. She had autoimmune hepatitis. Her body didn't recognize her liver as part of itself and so it began to reject it. Funny how your body can live with something for 60 years and then suddenly it decides it doesn't like itself anymore and snap, it just cuts it off.
Even though she was really sick in the end and she was in a lot of discomfort, she still tried to have a lot of fun whenever she could. She was actually supposed to be heading up here for a little vacation this week or next. I guess her vacation plans got upgraded. I mean, come one, if you could be in paradise or Ohio, which would you choose?
I'm pretty sure people think I'm fine because I handle everything with sarcasm and humor. I can't help it. I think it is a pretty typical deflection technique. I just laugh and laugh and laugh although inside I feel like an atomic bomb has exploded in my chest. It's even getting into my sleep now. Last night I dreamed that Mom came in and sat down on my couch and said, "Alisha, I'm bleeding so I am going to die now." and I was panicking and called the doctor and he said "You are stupid. You should have done something. There is nothing you can do now. Just let her die." and then I woke up. I was pretty upset. I guess I feel like there is something I should have done. I feel like I let her down somehow. I know that she wouldn't think that. I know that she was ready and all that but still I have an entire world of regrets eating me up right now. I guess that is normal too. But mostly I just feel really lost at sea. It keeps bringing to mind a memory.
When I was little, like really little (4 or 5 years old) mom would put me in the bath before she would go to work at the hospital. She worked nights and dad worked days then so he was home with us at night. Well, she would put me in the bath and then she would leave and I would sit in the bathtub crying and quietly yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" even though I knew she was at work. Well I'm yelling that now inside even though I know she's off to Heaven right now. I just keep quietly yelling it in my mind. Today one of my kids at work was crying for her Mommy and it made me tear up when I told her Mommy's always come back because I know mine isn't coming back anymore. But someday I'll be with her again.
So yeah, it's been one week. I am a total wreck but I think I have been hiding the severity of my situation pretty well. Hopefully as days go by it will be less terrible.
